A Project for Better Journalism chapter

The Tide Pod Challenge shows why The Planet of the Apes might be inevitable

The ‘’Tide Pod Challenge’’ of 2018 has me begging for North Korea to finally put us out of our misery.

Has the youth of American really come the conclusion that the best way to start this new year is to enjoy the ‘’sweet’’ taste of toxic laundry detergent? I mean who knows, the next Einstein could be biting down on some juicy flavored orange Tide Pod right now. By now if you don’t understand that I’m being EXTREMELY sarcastic, this article just might be for you.

In case you haven’t heard, or you actually have a life outside the internet, for almost two weeks now America has been taken by storm by “Tide Pod Challenge.” The “brightest of the brightest” decided upon themselves to take up the “burden” of consuming a product that wasn’t made for consumption. However, these geniuses don’t stop there because they share their puzzling findings with us through their social media.

That’s sarcasm again, but I’m sure you figured that out this time. I just don’t get it. I don’t know what’s worse: being born in this cursed generation or being called a Nazi. I don’t think the answer is obvious anymore.

I mean I’m not a doctor, or even a normal person, but I don’t think eating a Tide Pod is all that healthy. Salads aren’t the tastiest things to eat but when I eat a salad, I’m not at risk of dying and have to call Salad Control. Unless I eat a Parkdale salad, of course. 

Maybe people just wake up one day and think, “How can I embarrass my country, my generation, and humanity overall on this lovely day?” These people are the bane of my existence. My short and irrelevant existence. These “intelligent lifeforms” were the same people who took part in the Don’t Judge a Book by its Cover CHALLENGE, Light Yourself on Fire CHALLENGE, and the certainly unforgettable Mannequin CHALLENGE.

These are not challenges. Going to the moon was a challenge. Ending slavery was a challenge. Using a Parkdale bathroom is still a challenge. This is an example on how evolution isn’t complete. We might as well get any monkey from any zoo, and replace them with people who are willing to consume poison for few likes Instagram and the loss of their father’s love.

Just picture this for a minute: You died after eating a Tide Pod. I don’t care if you believe in God, Allah, Jesus or the Great Grasshopper in the sky; who wants to explain that they died because they just couldn’t resist that LIQUID DETERGENT flavored Tide Pod? I am positive that there are crackheads who have a better time explaining their death than a Tide Pod abuser. Yes, that is a thing now.

I want to blame the parents, the primates with human flesh, and might as well throw Trump in there to be “trendy” with you guys. I will blame all those people.

Yet the golden medal has to go to the always objective mainstream media. They turn a slightly popular joke or meme and turn into the biggest news in the entire galaxy. I don’t know if it’s because they’re too stupid or their cocaine addiction is getting so pricy that they ignore the fact that the more you condemn a meme, the more idiots will accept the “challenge”.

The one thing I will give the mainstream is this: no force on this Earth can kill a popular meme like they can. Since this thing is really blowing up right now, and I feel no absolutely no guilt taking advantage of that, I predict that this whole event will be a distant memory by March. If it last any longer than that, Planet of the Apes just may be our future.

Overall, don’t eat a Tide Pod. Jesus died for everyone’s sins. You’ll die for 50 likes and ten views. I’m not a mathematician, but this doesn’t add up? Even though nobody has yet to die from this “challenge”, doesn’t mean it can’t happen.

If you die now, Parkdale could lose a whole generation of future janitors. Just go back to doing duck face like a mentally challenged blowfish.