A Project for Better Journalism chapter

Secrets To robbery – Even In This Down Economy

Sat·ire : ˈsaˌtī(ə)r/ – the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.


Since we’re all in high school, we start to realize that we’ve pretty much peaked. Your boyfriend or girlfriend cheated on you, math is starting to include numbers and letters and you’re definitely sure that those Parkdale french fries are slowly rotting your liver. By now you’ve come to the most sanest conclusion, you need to rob a bank.


Unfortunately for you, you can’t recruit Vin Diesel or The Rock to join your crew. You’ll have to settle for your skinny friend, Steve, who’s way into memes. Actually don’t settle for Steve because he’s  too weird, wears his black trenchcoat and always going on and on about how Call of Duty is preparing him for his “mission”. Nevertheless you must have a crew. You need people that you know that will die for the job and are willing to do whatever it takes. Sadly those people are too smart to do something like this so you’ll need to expand your search.


The first option is the dude always wearing that solid black winter coat, no matter the temperature. Now don’t confuse these for weird Steve symptoms, this guy might be legit. In most cases you will never go to him, he’ll find you first. How? You’ll be giving off the ora of “The only thing I’ve stolen was a pink pencil from my teacher’s desk. But I gave it back an hour later.” He’ll demand 50 percent and you should give it to him because that teardrop tattoo and his red beady eyes doesn’t sit well with you.


You now need supplies. Your allowance is usually five dollars so a firearm maybe a little out of your price range. Also everything is out of your price range, THAT’S WHY YOU’RE ROBBING A BANK. You’re too impatient and horribly unskilled to learn how to use a bow and arrow. Since you have no other options, you’ll need to make your own weapons. A yo-yo with staples glued all over it can be a somewhat formidable weapon after you blind yourself after using it for the first time. If that’s not enough, then getting some year old Parkdale milk can burn the face off of any living being.


Immediately you have to figure out what you’ll wear too. There are classics like U.S. presidents maks or you could go the smart route and wear all black. However we tossed being smart out the window a long time ago, so I have another option. You should really want to have  fun, while you’re stealing other people’s money so why not dress like that  person  you ‘’dated’’ in your head for all those months. It offers such advantages like if you dated a black person you finally get an excuse to finally putting on black face or if you get caught you can put the crime on that person and finally get revenge for them cheating on you with that British clown.


Yet the most important piece in order to complete this mismanaged puzzle is, the fall girl. Why a fall girl? Well even when committing a felony, diversity is an important key. Women aren’t represented enough in the ‘’robbery scene’’. If you can get rich and end sexism forever, it is your duty as a potential felon to start that walk towards true equality.


Everything is set. You got a shady partner who’ll betray you , a fall GIRL to show just how woke you are and most likely useless weapon that will  most definitely will kill you before the cops will. The only thing left to do now is to write your standoff speech.


A standoff speech is the final speech that the criminal voices to the lead detective before the end of the movie, or in this case your life. Make sure the speech is somehow sympathetic and makes you seem more misunderstood than a stupid person who took cops and robbers way too seriously.


Once it’s embedded in your brain, you’re finally ready for your big day. Just think of it as your first day of school with the twist of you probably ended up as someone’s boyfriend when you’re sent to prison.