A Project for Better Journalism chapter
Humor

“Trick” yourself into adulthood

October is finally reaching its conclusion and everybody knows what that means, Halloween is finally here. Yes that “holiday” in which parents and little children get to test the safety of their neighborhoods by knocking on the doors of neighbors they’ve never shared more than two words with. Having young children talking and accepting food from strangers is absolutely fine, because Halloween is for children.  Not for high schools who may have the brain capacity of a young child.

It’s understandable that with life expectancy being much too high nowadays, that teenagers would feel that it’s fine to continue to take part in childish affairs like Trick-or-Treating. However that brain deficiency they call “nostalgia” is not a good enough excuse for young adults to be prancing around at night dressed like their favorite superhero or a sexually active nurse, princess, nun, cleaning maid, or anything.

If people look back hundreds of years ago teenagers weren’t wearing colorful costumes, weren’t knocking on the doors of suspected pedophiles and demanded to be given wrapped diabetes. Like real adults they worked on the family farm and prepared to die by the age of thirty.

Teenagers is such a broad term, what’s the specific age to stop Trick-or Treating? A fool proof method to knowing whether it’s time to hang up the Walmart bargain bin costume is the “Hard Pass Test.” If a picture of you, in your current age, can be shown to any child sexual deviant anywhere around the world and they decide to “swipe left”, it’s time for you to either stay at home or go drink illegally like the rest of your underachieving classmates.

Now there are “babyfaced” teenagers lirking the hallways of every high school in this country but unfortunately for them being on the left swipe of things, they’ll most likely be followed by a guy who hasn’t been able to look below his waist since his freshman year in college.

Teenagers today are already have to many things going on in their bodies, adding sugar and a successful kidnapping to the mix would just “Hiroshima” the whole system. Trick-or- Treating is a young man’s game that we are all trufuly to old for. With school lunches essentially eating our organs away, teachers still not being cool with us skipping glass, and girls getting more complicated than a Japanese elementary curriculum our bodies just aren’t meant for this wear and tear.

You may be thinking “It’s just fun you wet blanket” or “I’m actually doing it ironically” and maybe, just slightly you are correct. But when you’re 35 still wearing that Black Panther costume that’s 20 sizes to small, fighting a six year old for the last Baby Ruth and driving that almost windowless white van you should remember that those kids tied up in the back of you’re marron Subaru were just Trick-or-Treating ironically too

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